I haven\u2019t watched TV at dinner time with my brother since the last big election. We\u2019re both retired. We watch a lot of TV. If it were up to my brother, he would never flip from his favorite news channel. Without fail he argues with different viewpoints than those found on his channel. Often, he argues with me before I speak.<\/p>\n
We used to watch the detective genre. I like to see the bad guy get caught. \u201cMurder, She Wrote,\u201d \u201cHart to Hart,\u201d \u201cMcMillan and Wife.\u201d Sometimes I\u2019d pick newer shows such as \u201cCSI: Crime Scene Investigation.\u201d Unfortunately, some of the newer crime shows are very detailed, very scientific. My brother always refused to watch CSI.<\/p>\n
I remember my last dinner-time detective show we watched together in the kitchen. It was an episode of \u201cColumbo.\u201d It was very interesting. The murderer was a magician. If you have never had the pleasure of watching \u201cColumbo,\u201d the show\u2019s premise is very simple. In the show\u2019s beginning, a murder is committed. We, the TV audience, witness the crime, the alibi, and, of course, the criminal. We know who did it. The fun is in watching the seemingly inept detective use his smarts to catch the criminal and bring him or her to justice.<\/p>\n
This magician was very clever. While supposedly locked in a trunk and then lowered into a tank of water, he killed the nightclub\u2019s owner. But the constant objections of my brother regarding the magician\u2019s guilt during this episode made it very difficult for me to enjoy the show.<\/p>\n
We witnessed this magician leave his trunk before the trunk went into the water. We watched as he climbed down a step ladder, went into his basement office, changed into a waiter\u2019s uniform, and snuck upstairs to the owner\u2019s office. He picked the door lock and shot the owner. All this time, the magician was supposed to be locked in a trunk in a tank of water. Despite what we witnessed, my brother wasn\u2019t convinced the magician was guilty.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know how you can say that the magician isn\u2019t guilty,\u201d I told my brother.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s simple,\u201d he shot back. \u201cHe\u2019s a magician.\u201d<\/p>\n
Without trying to sound boastful, I challenged my brother immediately. I reviewed every point of the magician\u2019s steps he took to commit the crime and conceal his guilt. Each time I was met with my brother\u2019s objections. I pointed out that we saw the magician climb down from a trap door out of his locked trunk.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t see him leave the trunk. I saw him climb down the step ladder.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe watched him put on the waiter\u2019s uniform.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw many other waiters,\u201d my brother countered.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe saw the magician shoot the owner.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw the magician fire a gun. Then the owner fell.\u201d<\/p>\n
Imagine my frustration. I tried to explain to my brother the act of pre-meditated murder. The person guilty of the crime must plan or consider the act beforehand. He cannot act out of emotion, nor can the death result from accident or carelessness. The corpus delicti, as the deceased is sometimes called, must be the direct result of a conscious, mindful act.<\/p>\n
Over the course of the show, every time we watched Columbo prove part of the magician\u2019s alibi a lie, my brother refused to accept it. He claimed every revealed clue could be a lie. \u201cDon\u2019t be stupid,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n
I told him not to call me stupid. “Columbo follows clues. He doesn\u2019t lie to the TV audience.” Otherwise the rumpled, cigar smoking character whose name also serves as the show\u2019s title would lose all credibility.<\/p>\n
He pooh-poohed me. \u201cClues don\u2019t matter. People use fake clues to throw everybody off track.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had him. \u201cThat\u2019s exactly what\u2019s happening on the show. The magician\u2019s trying to throw everybody off track. Columbo has to follow a reasonable path. The clues have to add up. They have to make logical sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
When a commercial came on, my brother changed to his channel. The brand new President was speaking. He had recently made his inaugural address. I had watched part of the address and recalled it had rained. As a bit of harmless small talk, I mentioned that very fact to my brother. \u201cToo bad it rained for his speech.\u201d<\/p>\n
My brother shushed me.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut we had a massive field of people,\u201d President Trump continued. \u201cYou saw them. Packed. I get up this morning, I turn on one of the networks, and they show an empty field. I say, wait a minute, I made a speech. I looked out, the field was\u2014it looked like a million, million and a half people. They showed a field where there were practically nobody standing there. And they said, Donald Trump did not draw well. I said, it was almost raining, the rain should have scared them away, but God looked down and he said, we’re not going to let it rain on your speech.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHah! It didn\u2019t rain during his speech. You don\u2019t know shit,\u201d my brother laughed.<\/p>\n
I said, \u201cI remember seeing open umbrellas and ponchos covering people in the audience during the inauguration. Please get my show back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot you know,\u201d my brother laughed. \u201cSo much for clues.\u201d After he switched back, he pointed at the TV. \u201cLook, Columbo\u2019s wearing a raincoat. I suppose it\u2019s raining inside that nightclub they\u2019re in. That would be some magic.\u201d<\/p>\n
After his ridiculous remarks, I left my brother and took my dinner into the den. I heard him change channels. After watching this program for well over an hour, my brother was content to skip the end. This annoyed me. Determined to have my brother witness the inevitable outcome where the magician is proven to be the murderer, I finished eating and waited until the last five minutes of \u201cColumbo\u201d before I returned to the kitchen. As I put my plate in the sink, my brother stood up and handed me the TV remote.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo ahead. Watch the end of your program,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019m going to take a shower. I\u2019ve seen this one before.\u201d<\/p>\n
I’ve eaten in the den ever since.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
This essay, originally titled, “No Clue,” appeared in different form in From All Corners,<\/strong> a collection of five finalists in an Unsolicited Press essay contest.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I haven\u2019t watched TV at dinner time with my brother since the last big election. We\u2019re both retired. We watch a lot of TV. If it were up to my brother, he would never flip from his favorite news channel. Without fail he argues with different viewpoints than those found on his channel. Often, he … Continue reading Lieutenant Columbo, Meet President Trump<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/378"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=378"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/378\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":390,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/378\/revisions\/390"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=378"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=378"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mickbennettnj.com\/Blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=378"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}